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weirdly good day
Feb. 12th, 2004 10:34 pmwas weirdly happy today. Had Very Weird dreams again last night, but the disturbing and foreboding weirdness were the worst things about them. No graphic violence this time, and nothing about my mom. I didn't wake up in the middle of the night, either. okay, improving. Woke up 10 minutes before my wake-up call with an urge to get up and DO. Took a bit longer to convince my body. I always feel stiff and sore after these dreams, mostly in my neck and shoulders.
I felt different today, as though something is being chipped loose inside me. Uhm, in a good way. I think.
Went to class, (Environmental Analysis and Design, and Corporate Finance) and was done by 11:25, then, instead of hanging around the hotel school for a while like I usually do, eating lunch and trying to study, I decided to just... go. I needed to get packages from my downtown mailbox, since I was expecting some textbooks from Amazon that I ordered. So, I had to walk all the way back up to north campus to get my car.
I walked along, and felt like I was in a dream. The world had a weird film over it, like I was watching a movie. It was snowing, lightly, but I did not feel cold at all, even without my scarf and earmuffs and gloves. Two of my classmates passed me by on the sidewalk, and said a brief hello, and I smiled and walked with them a bit, making some polite conversation. But the whole time, I felt ghost like and detached. I slowed down, and they did not notice. They walked on, laughing and chatting as if I'd never been there at all, wierdly not even turning to say a quick "bye!".
I found I did not care at all. It was as if they were not actually a part of my world, just ambient characters in the matrix, drifting in and out of my experience.
I stopped on the bridge, and leaned over to watch the snowflakes drift lazily to the bottom of the gorge.
Across from the bridge, a small waterfall rushes continually over threshold of Beebe lake, bubbling out from under the lake's hard icy top next to the old decaying mill built into the side of the gorge's stone walls, creating and destroying sprays of curved ice sculpture a thousand times a day, laughing through it's self-hollowed ice caves all the way to the bottom of the gorge, where it settles out into a wide, silent, snow-muffled creek.
Stalactites of ice, some forty feet tall, hang dangerously from the rocky ledges of the gorge's top... The snowflakes fall down like magic glitter, and the black watery snake of the creek whispers secrets that the silent white snowbanks will keep. The whole scene is reminiscent of some ice-spirit's marble columned hall.
After a while of staring (I hope no passers-by actually think I'm suicidal), I realized my two friends were long gone in the distance, and I knew I couldn't stand there all day, so I walked on and pretty soon headed downtown.
Stopped at Chili's for lunch by myself, since it's newly built (Ithaca's first national chain restaurant!), but familiar to me, and many of my more snobbish classmates refuse to eat somewhere so uncouth.
Before I went in, though, there was this ragged old guy who'd been just sitting by himself, in the shopping center parking lot, in his running station wagon (also old and ragged looking). I got this weird impression that he was actually homeless and just trying to stay warm for a while. I felt led to ask him if he needed help (I actually was going to ask him to come eat lunch with me), but I was scared. So I ducked into a store and walked around for a while, arguing with myself about whether I was crazy, and whether or not it was too dangerous for a girl alone to do these things. I was in the store for about 20 minutes, randomly looking around. I silently prayed, "if he's still out there when I get back, I'll go talk to him." I went out, but he was gone! I bit my lip with a mix of relief and guilt. Why hadn't I acted sooner? Why did I let my fear get the better of me?
But then, as I was walking back to my car, I saw him pulling out of a nearby gas station, and come back and park in exactly the same spot, two spots away from my car. Sit there, with the car still running, and light up a cigarette. He had been there long enough that he needed to get gas. That did it. I went up to the window and knocked on it-- he turned, surprised. I said, dude, I don't know who you are, but you look like you could use a break today. He blushed, and immediately made lots of excuses, the main one being that he was just "waiting for his daughter" to get there and he didn't know what happened to her, maybe her car got broke down or something, but he was really fine, just waiting for his daughter...
I asked him if he needed anything... but... he just kept demurring and I think... he was as embarrassed as I was apprehensive. I realize some people really don't take kindly to charity (then again, I'm not really some "bleeding-heart" to continually press charity on able-bodied people, either) and so I felt I shouldn't push him too hard. So I didn't, and left him with a smile and a good word, but...I still don't believe him. But at least I tried. Next time, I won't hesitate.
I wonder what that was about. I feel strangely somehow like it was some...one? thing? testing me. And I kind of mucked it up somehow. Maybe I should have been pushier. Maybe I should have just brought him some hot chocolate. Or something. Grr. I wish these situations would come with telepathic instructions.
I wish I was actually telepathic, instead of just empathic. Then I would "know" what to do. I always second guess my feelings (or their feelings, or whatever).
In Chili's two Asshats at the bar were giving the waitress a hard time. She was a little flirty, and they were not playing at all. Just being smug and "grown-up" and consdescending in this "I'm a businessman who doesn't have time for servants" kind of way. They made eyes at me across the bar. I picked up the Money section of the paper and became pointedly absorbed in the latest news on Comcast's hostile bid to takeover Disney (which, lemme tell you, is quite the soap opera! Ahhh, corporate finance is sooooo much more interesting than accounting ever was). They were wierded out that some young girl apparently found Alan Greenspan and recent stock prices more interesting than them.
Gee, I wonder why, with such personalities as they had.
Other than them, I found myself smiling a lot at random people for no apparent reason. Smiling randomly without thought of consesequence, like I haven't done since I was a naive little teeny-bopper at hawkwood. I don't know why.
Went to get my packages at my P.O. box (all my textbooks! two big care boxes from my loved ones! yay!), then walked around exploring the shops and feeling people be in my brain for a while. Wierd. Like I can't keep em' out. Went to the porn store, a local crafters' store, and a tattoo/pericing parlor, just to look. Because I feel different today, like anything is possible, like something inside me that's been stuck is being knocked loose.
I dunno. Didn't want to go back to campus just yet.
But here I am, and I have to get to my homework now that I have textbooks, so I best leave this rambling to another time.
I felt different today, as though something is being chipped loose inside me. Uhm, in a good way. I think.
Went to class, (Environmental Analysis and Design, and Corporate Finance) and was done by 11:25, then, instead of hanging around the hotel school for a while like I usually do, eating lunch and trying to study, I decided to just... go. I needed to get packages from my downtown mailbox, since I was expecting some textbooks from Amazon that I ordered. So, I had to walk all the way back up to north campus to get my car.
I walked along, and felt like I was in a dream. The world had a weird film over it, like I was watching a movie. It was snowing, lightly, but I did not feel cold at all, even without my scarf and earmuffs and gloves. Two of my classmates passed me by on the sidewalk, and said a brief hello, and I smiled and walked with them a bit, making some polite conversation. But the whole time, I felt ghost like and detached. I slowed down, and they did not notice. They walked on, laughing and chatting as if I'd never been there at all, wierdly not even turning to say a quick "bye!".
I found I did not care at all. It was as if they were not actually a part of my world, just ambient characters in the matrix, drifting in and out of my experience.
I stopped on the bridge, and leaned over to watch the snowflakes drift lazily to the bottom of the gorge.
Across from the bridge, a small waterfall rushes continually over threshold of Beebe lake, bubbling out from under the lake's hard icy top next to the old decaying mill built into the side of the gorge's stone walls, creating and destroying sprays of curved ice sculpture a thousand times a day, laughing through it's self-hollowed ice caves all the way to the bottom of the gorge, where it settles out into a wide, silent, snow-muffled creek.
Stalactites of ice, some forty feet tall, hang dangerously from the rocky ledges of the gorge's top... The snowflakes fall down like magic glitter, and the black watery snake of the creek whispers secrets that the silent white snowbanks will keep. The whole scene is reminiscent of some ice-spirit's marble columned hall.
After a while of staring (I hope no passers-by actually think I'm suicidal), I realized my two friends were long gone in the distance, and I knew I couldn't stand there all day, so I walked on and pretty soon headed downtown.
Stopped at Chili's for lunch by myself, since it's newly built (Ithaca's first national chain restaurant!), but familiar to me, and many of my more snobbish classmates refuse to eat somewhere so uncouth.
Before I went in, though, there was this ragged old guy who'd been just sitting by himself, in the shopping center parking lot, in his running station wagon (also old and ragged looking). I got this weird impression that he was actually homeless and just trying to stay warm for a while. I felt led to ask him if he needed help (I actually was going to ask him to come eat lunch with me), but I was scared. So I ducked into a store and walked around for a while, arguing with myself about whether I was crazy, and whether or not it was too dangerous for a girl alone to do these things. I was in the store for about 20 minutes, randomly looking around. I silently prayed, "if he's still out there when I get back, I'll go talk to him." I went out, but he was gone! I bit my lip with a mix of relief and guilt. Why hadn't I acted sooner? Why did I let my fear get the better of me?
But then, as I was walking back to my car, I saw him pulling out of a nearby gas station, and come back and park in exactly the same spot, two spots away from my car. Sit there, with the car still running, and light up a cigarette. He had been there long enough that he needed to get gas. That did it. I went up to the window and knocked on it-- he turned, surprised. I said, dude, I don't know who you are, but you look like you could use a break today. He blushed, and immediately made lots of excuses, the main one being that he was just "waiting for his daughter" to get there and he didn't know what happened to her, maybe her car got broke down or something, but he was really fine, just waiting for his daughter...
I asked him if he needed anything... but... he just kept demurring and I think... he was as embarrassed as I was apprehensive. I realize some people really don't take kindly to charity (then again, I'm not really some "bleeding-heart" to continually press charity on able-bodied people, either) and so I felt I shouldn't push him too hard. So I didn't, and left him with a smile and a good word, but...I still don't believe him. But at least I tried. Next time, I won't hesitate.
I wonder what that was about. I feel strangely somehow like it was some...one? thing? testing me. And I kind of mucked it up somehow. Maybe I should have been pushier. Maybe I should have just brought him some hot chocolate. Or something. Grr. I wish these situations would come with telepathic instructions.
I wish I was actually telepathic, instead of just empathic. Then I would "know" what to do. I always second guess my feelings (or their feelings, or whatever).
In Chili's two Asshats at the bar were giving the waitress a hard time. She was a little flirty, and they were not playing at all. Just being smug and "grown-up" and consdescending in this "I'm a businessman who doesn't have time for servants" kind of way. They made eyes at me across the bar. I picked up the Money section of the paper and became pointedly absorbed in the latest news on Comcast's hostile bid to takeover Disney (which, lemme tell you, is quite the soap opera! Ahhh, corporate finance is sooooo much more interesting than accounting ever was). They were wierded out that some young girl apparently found Alan Greenspan and recent stock prices more interesting than them.
Gee, I wonder why, with such personalities as they had.
Other than them, I found myself smiling a lot at random people for no apparent reason. Smiling randomly without thought of consesequence, like I haven't done since I was a naive little teeny-bopper at hawkwood. I don't know why.
Went to get my packages at my P.O. box (all my textbooks! two big care boxes from my loved ones! yay!), then walked around exploring the shops and feeling people be in my brain for a while. Wierd. Like I can't keep em' out. Went to the porn store, a local crafters' store, and a tattoo/pericing parlor, just to look. Because I feel different today, like anything is possible, like something inside me that's been stuck is being knocked loose.
I dunno. Didn't want to go back to campus just yet.
But here I am, and I have to get to my homework now that I have textbooks, so I best leave this rambling to another time.
