ramblings from under the bookpile...
Nov. 5th, 2003 06:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
yinshubackupyesh, i am still alive, contrary to popular belief.
Had an... interesting Samhain, neither as good as I had hoped, nor as bad as I had feared.
At the request of my residence hall director, I put on a open-to-campus drum circle and after party. Ran around all week making preparations, filling out forms and cutting through red tape to get use-of-university-property and fire permits, grocery shopping, baking like a crazy woman so as to have yummy samhain appropriate snacks and drinks, etc.
Then that night, no one showed up for the first hour except some firemen and the university environmental services police wanting to see my fire preparations (luckily I had raked that circle CLEAN of dry leaves and used my trusty boy-scout skills to build a nice twiggy pyramid in the stone ring) and all my signed forms; but that was just as well because I was running late myself with party preparations. I hadn't actually started the fire yet, because I wasn't allowed to leave the firepit once it started but i still had things to prepare inside. But I appeased the officials anyway with my legit forms and my cheerful airheaded college girl facade (heh) and they went away.
Then kids started trickling in, but no one brought any drums- they were just expecting to enjoy the show, I guess. Which, I mean, I can't really blame 'em, cause I love to sit and groove with the beat myself, but, no fire + no drums does not a good drum circle make.
Luckily, my Jewish friend Adam came out dressed as Jesus Christ, and with his help of crumpled newspaper and a few intently directed utterances of "The Power of Christ Compels You!!", the flames finally responded and soon we had a merry little blaze, which of course prompted us nice little pagan kiddies to exclaim, "Oh, Jesus, you're our savior!"
Thus was the tone of this Samhain set.
We found some huge plastic water barrels by the gutters and rolled them over to use as drums... then other kids came out of the building, heeding the deep rythmic call of the water barrel, bearing trash cans and recycling bins of their own to bang on.
Then we got some people with a real doumbek, a couple of penny whistles, and a bodhran. Then a girl got up with some finger cymbals, and started dancing.
Before I knew it, the event was going pretty well, kind of like in that old parable about the village making "Stone Soup".
Throughout the night, there was much craziness with the hostessing on my part, but everytime we'd hit a snag, something else would come along to balnace it out, usually in a quirky or humorous way.
It was difficult for me to get my head into a very 'spiritual' frame of mind, and I finally decided Loki must be presiding over the party, and just let it go.
Everyone loved my hot mulled cider and baked goodies, and hung around talking for quite a while longer than I expected. I had scheduled the event to run until midnight, but I didn't really expect anyone to hang around that long- college students usually come, graze the buffet, and leave- especially if there's no alcohol involved. (And yes, I'm old enough to buy alchohol but I needed the event to be open to younger students as well, so i just had hot chocolate and mulled cider.) One guy actually stayed and helped me clean up and do dishes(!)
After the people were gone, I finally had some time to myself. But I was so exhausted from the day, and the whole week really, that my own quiet vigil to thank the forest for the wood I'd gathered, and to dedicate my new athame, was rather short and simple. I also took some pomegranate, candied ginger and an apple to leave for the faeries.
It was getting on toward 2 am by this time, and the drunk frat-goers were wandering home across our backyard path, near us. A trio of snockered girlies very nearly freaked out upon seeing me, mid-prayer, silent and unmoving- seems they thought I was a ghost, or something, in my long pale robes, i guess... and one girl stumbled and fell right in back of me. So of course, I turned around and helped her up, which REALLY freaked the other two out, as well as broke what little ritual concentration I had mustered. Then one of them was convinced I was trying to commit suicide because I had been standing on the hillcrest at the edge of the forest overlooking the gorge. I had to calm them all down, assure them I was fine and not suicidal, and send them on their stumbling way, with a couple of prayers for their safety since goddess knows how far they were going to be walking in the dark without a shred of self-defense between them.
I sighed and decided I was too tired to do much more justice to my vigil, and finally went inside to sleep.
Other than that, school-related stuff has been attacking with a vengeance, just project after deadline after exam after project. So, that's why i've been so lax in updating lately.
However, I must say that for the most part, living in the Greatest Dorm On Earth this year has much improved my ability to deal with the s*** of CornHell, as well as preserving my sanity by encouraging ambient INsanity. As weird as that sounds, it's true- Risely is my pocket of Spider-Robinson-Reality in a Gattica-ized world.
In other news, I'm trying to decide what the hell I'm doing with my life. Do I go to China? As a job or as a study abroad program? Is this language effort a waste? Do I become an entrepreneur or a corporate whore? CEO or long-haul trucker? Do I nurture my artistic sentiments further or subdue them in favor of money-making practicality? Do I fight for my love, or give up because of the external pressures? Am I headed for Operations management, Design, Development, Information Systems/Technology? Will I be able to do what I love and pay off my school loans at the same time?
How am I getting from point A to point Z? Do I open myself more to personal/business relationships or harden myself more for lone survival?
I'll keep you updated on what I find out. I have two wierd pictures in my head. The first one is like I'm scuba diving in a murky pond, and I feel options all around me- but just out of visibility. I don't know which direction would be the best to swim. I realized I am so the jack of all trades, and I am having trouble picking anything to master.
The second is like I'm the space shuttle sitting on the launch pad, strapped to the huge boosters and fuel tank- and the countdown has started but no one has locked in my coordinates yet. I don't know if I'm just orbiting, or going to the moon, or to mars, or ???
I feel like my life is so fluid right now- i'm at a crossroads and anything could happen. It is exciting and at the same time, fearful. Things that have been important to me for so long, I am starting to question. All the data I can suck up from my environment is tallying to nil in my brain's processor. There are a few important things I hope I don't lose, but for the first time I don't even know if it's my option to even fight for them. That scares me a little bit.
I'm a pretty easy-going, go-with-the-flow person, but lately there's not even a flow to gage; no input to direct my output. I AM the liquid now. It's all up to me and I'm terribly afraid I'm going to fuck it all up. Or lose something precious. Anyway. Enough narcissistic rambling.
Speaking of something precious, lately I've been worried about my little sister...I kinda wish she could return to homeschooling because she's found that, while my brother is the popular stand-up comedian and has taken to public school like an ingenue to the stage, she is the Daria of her highschool- subtly observant and wholly unimpressed while feeling unhappy, unfulfilled and trapped. On one hand, I'm proud of her for seeing through most of the shallow crap she's surrounded by daily- she's pretty astute-- but on the other hand, I know her feeling of being held back, of not belonging, and I ache for her.
I've been hoping maybe she could come up and spend the summer with me, doing highschool/ pre-college courses at Cornell while I do the Falcon intensive Chinese program (if I can get into Falcon)...it would be so cool if we could live together in collegetown apartment-- summer sublets are cheap, and Ithaca in the summer is SO gorgeous, not at all depressing like the winter here is. I think if she spent some time at a real university she would start to consider what bigger options there are out there for her, and not feel so boxed in by boring suburban highschool classes.... Not that I think she should come to Cornell for actual undergrad- I think she's maybe more of a west-coast personality (or maybe that's just my blizzard-hating bias talking)... but maybe we could take a couple more trips back to the City, since she seemed to like that, or go camping or whatnot.
I dunno.
*sigh* Again, with the murky options being just out of reach-- can I tie it all together neatly enough and timely enough for it to become reality? Can I get the financing? Can I get my parents to agree? Can I come up with a viably outlined itenerary?
She has already said she thinks it would be cool, so i don't think that would be much of a problem.
Anyway. Time for me to get to work. got 4 peer papers to grade for my IT class and a Wine prelim and Mandarin Test to study for. G'night! :)
Had an... interesting Samhain, neither as good as I had hoped, nor as bad as I had feared.
At the request of my residence hall director, I put on a open-to-campus drum circle and after party. Ran around all week making preparations, filling out forms and cutting through red tape to get use-of-university-property and fire permits, grocery shopping, baking like a crazy woman so as to have yummy samhain appropriate snacks and drinks, etc.
Then that night, no one showed up for the first hour except some firemen and the university environmental services police wanting to see my fire preparations (luckily I had raked that circle CLEAN of dry leaves and used my trusty boy-scout skills to build a nice twiggy pyramid in the stone ring) and all my signed forms; but that was just as well because I was running late myself with party preparations. I hadn't actually started the fire yet, because I wasn't allowed to leave the firepit once it started but i still had things to prepare inside. But I appeased the officials anyway with my legit forms and my cheerful airheaded college girl facade (heh) and they went away.
Then kids started trickling in, but no one brought any drums- they were just expecting to enjoy the show, I guess. Which, I mean, I can't really blame 'em, cause I love to sit and groove with the beat myself, but, no fire + no drums does not a good drum circle make.
Luckily, my Jewish friend Adam came out dressed as Jesus Christ, and with his help of crumpled newspaper and a few intently directed utterances of "The Power of Christ Compels You!!", the flames finally responded and soon we had a merry little blaze, which of course prompted us nice little pagan kiddies to exclaim, "Oh, Jesus, you're our savior!"
Thus was the tone of this Samhain set.
We found some huge plastic water barrels by the gutters and rolled them over to use as drums... then other kids came out of the building, heeding the deep rythmic call of the water barrel, bearing trash cans and recycling bins of their own to bang on.
Then we got some people with a real doumbek, a couple of penny whistles, and a bodhran. Then a girl got up with some finger cymbals, and started dancing.
Before I knew it, the event was going pretty well, kind of like in that old parable about the village making "Stone Soup".
Throughout the night, there was much craziness with the hostessing on my part, but everytime we'd hit a snag, something else would come along to balnace it out, usually in a quirky or humorous way.
It was difficult for me to get my head into a very 'spiritual' frame of mind, and I finally decided Loki must be presiding over the party, and just let it go.
Everyone loved my hot mulled cider and baked goodies, and hung around talking for quite a while longer than I expected. I had scheduled the event to run until midnight, but I didn't really expect anyone to hang around that long- college students usually come, graze the buffet, and leave- especially if there's no alcohol involved. (And yes, I'm old enough to buy alchohol but I needed the event to be open to younger students as well, so i just had hot chocolate and mulled cider.) One guy actually stayed and helped me clean up and do dishes(!)
After the people were gone, I finally had some time to myself. But I was so exhausted from the day, and the whole week really, that my own quiet vigil to thank the forest for the wood I'd gathered, and to dedicate my new athame, was rather short and simple. I also took some pomegranate, candied ginger and an apple to leave for the faeries.
It was getting on toward 2 am by this time, and the drunk frat-goers were wandering home across our backyard path, near us. A trio of snockered girlies very nearly freaked out upon seeing me, mid-prayer, silent and unmoving- seems they thought I was a ghost, or something, in my long pale robes, i guess... and one girl stumbled and fell right in back of me. So of course, I turned around and helped her up, which REALLY freaked the other two out, as well as broke what little ritual concentration I had mustered. Then one of them was convinced I was trying to commit suicide because I had been standing on the hillcrest at the edge of the forest overlooking the gorge. I had to calm them all down, assure them I was fine and not suicidal, and send them on their stumbling way, with a couple of prayers for their safety since goddess knows how far they were going to be walking in the dark without a shred of self-defense between them.
I sighed and decided I was too tired to do much more justice to my vigil, and finally went inside to sleep.
Other than that, school-related stuff has been attacking with a vengeance, just project after deadline after exam after project. So, that's why i've been so lax in updating lately.
However, I must say that for the most part, living in the Greatest Dorm On Earth this year has much improved my ability to deal with the s*** of CornHell, as well as preserving my sanity by encouraging ambient INsanity. As weird as that sounds, it's true- Risely is my pocket of Spider-Robinson-Reality in a Gattica-ized world.
In other news, I'm trying to decide what the hell I'm doing with my life. Do I go to China? As a job or as a study abroad program? Is this language effort a waste? Do I become an entrepreneur or a corporate whore? CEO or long-haul trucker? Do I nurture my artistic sentiments further or subdue them in favor of money-making practicality? Do I fight for my love, or give up because of the external pressures? Am I headed for Operations management, Design, Development, Information Systems/Technology? Will I be able to do what I love and pay off my school loans at the same time?
How am I getting from point A to point Z? Do I open myself more to personal/business relationships or harden myself more for lone survival?
I'll keep you updated on what I find out. I have two wierd pictures in my head. The first one is like I'm scuba diving in a murky pond, and I feel options all around me- but just out of visibility. I don't know which direction would be the best to swim. I realized I am so the jack of all trades, and I am having trouble picking anything to master.
The second is like I'm the space shuttle sitting on the launch pad, strapped to the huge boosters and fuel tank- and the countdown has started but no one has locked in my coordinates yet. I don't know if I'm just orbiting, or going to the moon, or to mars, or ???
I feel like my life is so fluid right now- i'm at a crossroads and anything could happen. It is exciting and at the same time, fearful. Things that have been important to me for so long, I am starting to question. All the data I can suck up from my environment is tallying to nil in my brain's processor. There are a few important things I hope I don't lose, but for the first time I don't even know if it's my option to even fight for them. That scares me a little bit.
I'm a pretty easy-going, go-with-the-flow person, but lately there's not even a flow to gage; no input to direct my output. I AM the liquid now. It's all up to me and I'm terribly afraid I'm going to fuck it all up. Or lose something precious. Anyway. Enough narcissistic rambling.
Speaking of something precious, lately I've been worried about my little sister...I kinda wish she could return to homeschooling because she's found that, while my brother is the popular stand-up comedian and has taken to public school like an ingenue to the stage, she is the Daria of her highschool- subtly observant and wholly unimpressed while feeling unhappy, unfulfilled and trapped. On one hand, I'm proud of her for seeing through most of the shallow crap she's surrounded by daily- she's pretty astute-- but on the other hand, I know her feeling of being held back, of not belonging, and I ache for her.
I've been hoping maybe she could come up and spend the summer with me, doing highschool/ pre-college courses at Cornell while I do the Falcon intensive Chinese program (if I can get into Falcon)...it would be so cool if we could live together in collegetown apartment-- summer sublets are cheap, and Ithaca in the summer is SO gorgeous, not at all depressing like the winter here is. I think if she spent some time at a real university she would start to consider what bigger options there are out there for her, and not feel so boxed in by boring suburban highschool classes.... Not that I think she should come to Cornell for actual undergrad- I think she's maybe more of a west-coast personality (or maybe that's just my blizzard-hating bias talking)... but maybe we could take a couple more trips back to the City, since she seemed to like that, or go camping or whatnot.
I dunno.
*sigh* Again, with the murky options being just out of reach-- can I tie it all together neatly enough and timely enough for it to become reality? Can I get the financing? Can I get my parents to agree? Can I come up with a viably outlined itenerary?
She has already said she thinks it would be cool, so i don't think that would be much of a problem.
Anyway. Time for me to get to work. got 4 peer papers to grade for my IT class and a Wine prelim and Mandarin Test to study for. G'night! :)
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Interesting
As for finding your direction and purpose, may clarity be yours.
And yes, please let us know when you've decided some of it. *grin*
Best wishes for dealing with a tough schedule and for your sister as well!
Love,
~~Kt3 the Almost Caught Up~~
no subject
Date: 2003-11-06 06:40 am (UTC)Busy bees, one and all! But had to take a moment to tell you I love and miss you lots.
no subject
Date: 2003-11-06 07:07 am (UTC)Hugs
Faylara AKA ( Laura )